When Baby Can Cover the Mortgage

The Momo twins are already a hit on Instagram at 7 months old. A recent New York Times article followed the families of several toddler Instagram and YouTube sensations. “Why Isn’t Your Toddler Paying the Mortgage?” detailed the elaborate circus of a day that is the life of a family dependent on the compliance of a small child to foot the bills on a monthly basis.

As a pregnant mom who is also parenting a five-year-old, three-year-old, and 18-month-old, there is rarely a day when everyone gets out the door with matching shoes, let alone a trendy outfit. These families receive outfits, toys and equipment from companies regularly with the assumption that their products will appear on social media accounts (which have tens of thousands of followers).

I tried to imagine my life as one of these social media mompreneurs. I would essentially need to keep multiple boxes of curated outfits in my trunk for each and every outing…be it to the park, science museum or zoo. With my professional camera strapped to my neck, I would zealously seek each and every opportunity to capitalize on a potentially instragram-worthy moment. Messy snacks would be outlawed and I would need hair products on hand.

Sorry, kids, the only snacks you can eat are… well, nothing. I literally can’t think of a single food with which my kids haven’t somehow managed to ruin an outfit. Unless of course it’s a snack that is sponsoring one of my posts…then, yes. Eat all of those. I don’t care that you hate them.

No. Mud. EVER. Does anyone else’s boys LOVE mud? Mine do. I guess mud could be okay if it were somehow strategically placed next to all the (insert popular toy brand here) equipment we got in the mail yesterday. In that case, can we make a new mud puddle on the other side of the yard? Does that mess up your play time?

Also, you can’t have any friends that aren’t adorable. Or that aren’t willing to sign 75 waivers. When you’re a friend of ours you become either a risk or a commodity. And, could you please reconsider the theme for your child’s birthday party? I really need something that is on their color wheel. And less commercial.

All I think as I imagine this hypothetical life in which my electric bill being paid is dependent on my extremely willful three-year-old performing in his perfectly-curating boutique outfit is…ain’t NOBODY got time for that. So, social media mompreneurs with your darling children that always ALWAYS seem to say the perfect thing…You do you. And you take it to the bank. Meanwhile, we will be at the park covered in bananas and squeeze pouches, rocking our mismatched socks and unkempt air.

And I am perfectly fine with that.

Kara Garis is a cloth diapering, baby wearing, semi-crunchy mama to two active boys and a baby girl. She lives with her husband in Oklahoma and loves running, cooking, traveling, and reading. She blogs at karagaris.com.

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